saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I need a beard to bite.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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