i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
