No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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