If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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