i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
