he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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