I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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