I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I love you. Go after that dick
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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