2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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