My friends, they love my intelligence
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
