So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Boobs speak an international language.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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