Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
