My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
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