So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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