I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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