Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
