When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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