How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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