I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
