We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
