My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
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I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
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bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.