My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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