I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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