come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
