Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
