I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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