Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
