I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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