booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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