omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Terrible idea I love it
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
