my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
