take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
