If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
