She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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