I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
