Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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