I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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