When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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