I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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