you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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