Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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