he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
