He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize