Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
