so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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