I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
