I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
