two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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