im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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