R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
BRING THE BAGELS
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
