there's paper in my vomit.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
