OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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