Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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