I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
