I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
