I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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