Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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