I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
