I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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