He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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