"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
