i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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