So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
