Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
