I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
