I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
